Neko

by Matei73




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✎﹏﹏ Tuesday, September 22, 2026, 12:43 PM 2(comment)

pensive
icon: aerylia
music: りりあ。riria. / 「いつかちゃんと。」“Itsuka Chanto”

Been unwell for about a 1 week and 2 days now. The brunt of my upper respiratory infection (URTI) was probably from Thursday last week and only had a noticeable improvement today. Nights or early hours in the morning have been particularly difficult as lying reclined somehow triggers my cough and so, now I'm thankful that I'm on the tail end of it. 

The thing with my health is I was very asthmatic as a child. I was the one who'd be in the doctor's office or in the hospital every month. Dad was usually my main caretaker in a way that he knows my medications, knows how to prevent and manage my asthma attacks. I was so dependent on him that whenever he'd be away for a business trip and, on the day he'd come home, he'd find me (without fail) in a corner curled-up or hunched over looking blue, and it's usually the rush to the hospital right after. The situation repeats every single time he'd be out of town even just for a couple of days. I was a very handful child...

And so because of this, I think my body have a low tolerance to URTIs. COVID too didn't help and only added to its weakness. I was lucky to have been granted 2 days sick leave this week. I know work can easily allow it but it's different when I know there's enough staff to cover while I'm out sick... It gave me more peace of mind and really allowed or gave me permission to rest and recover.

I feel a tad guilty as we were meant to celebrate Neh's upcoming birthday this past weekend... and although we did go to places and feasted, I was not at my best and was more eager to come home and rest. I am just lucky that he's very understanding and was, I guess, satisfied. But at the same time, I feel this was the reason why I couldn't fully recover over the weekend. 

Though I'm happy to report that today, on my 2nd day of sick leave, there's finally light beyond the tunnel. Yes, I still cough but at least the body malaise is no longer present, the amount of phlegm has lessened, my throat no longer feels tight nor hurt as much and I'm starting to get my voice back ( · ❛ ֊ ❛)✌

Dad's message to me yesterday, "Get well soon ate. If only you were here, I would have treated you myself" had me do a good crying session. I miss them deeply and need to do better care of myself.

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✎﹏﹏ Friday, September 18, 2026, 11:47 AM 0(comment)

unwell
icon: rommipullo
music: goodbye summer ⋆.˚ \ chill jazz  
 
Alo! It's been a while, almost 2 weeks since the last entry. In truth I may or may not have things to say but it was more of not having the space once again to freely sit with my thoughts. I haven't had the chance to wake up earlier than Neh and possibly allowed myself to sleep-in because we usually sleep very late - in the wee hours of the morning, and I feel my body's catching up on me as this week, I got sick. Still am at the time of writing. What happened today was my team at work forced me to go home and rest so, yay! Finally got some me time to myself while Neh's at work.

I've written a few things on my notepad these last 2 weeks which feels a bit late to publish at this point but might as well get it out here (≖_≖ ): (click to open & collapse)

 
Somewhere in one of Jenn Imm's vlog, she mentioned about how this is the "cherish" era of her life. Having fairly healthy parents, a good and stable job, a healthy son, good relationship with siblings and peers etc. I feel that. I feel that this is my cherish era too. 

・・・・・・・・・・  

Neh and I are in the process of planning our 1 week get away to Rotorua this October. Why in Rotorua out of all places? Because it's the biking capital of NZ, and Neh is an avid bike lover/ connoisseur. I've always wanted for us to have a get away. I feel I owe him one for everything that he's done and given me. For giving up his life in PH to be with me in NZ. This amounts to nothing compared to his sacrifices but, if it makes him happy then I'll take that as a win! But really, I simply feel I owe him or us a get away.
This is going to be our first ever excursion that's just the 2 of us (after 3 years and 9 months since his arrival)!

・・・・・・・・・・  

My god! Have you seen the latest episode of You and I are Polar Opposites? I was holding back my tears toward the end. I could relate to Nishiki's uncertainty and lack of confidence; of Miyu's habit of hugging Tani and feeling recharged right after; her showing affection and clumsily hurting Tani (accidentally knocking his nose) in the process. Neh too has seen bits of me in them as he kept on asking, "Ikaw ba yan, lab?" (Is that you, love?) in every scene that reminds him of me (ᵕ—ᴗ—)

The episode focused on the concept of crossroads high school students encounter before graduating: deciding for a major or to which vocation or university to go to. Things can get very tricky with a high school sweetheart. Are you both going to the same or neighboring universities to stay close? Or are you to follow your dreams and aim for your preferred vocation/ university?

I was reminded how this is one of the big reasons why our parents heavily discouraged us to be in a relationship during our high school and/ or uni years.

・・・・・・・・・・  

Neh told me of this story bout an AI publishing a study based off an existing or ongoing research. The AI publishing the researchers' life's work only because it has solved the problem or came up of a conclusion. True, AI has a number of benefits but (in my limited knowledge and naive opinion) it should never, EVER touch all aspects of human passion - all the more own it.

・・・・・・・・・・  

The entire Radical Optimism (last leg of the concert at Mexico). Can't believe we get to relive such an amazing show! Thank you Dua for uploading 🫶🏻
 
Amongst the things my best friend has forced me into was, getting me to watch Dua Lipa's Radical Optimism concert with her last year. I was very skeptical in the beginning as I wasn't a fan but, I ended up enjoying the show, admiring and respecting Dua Lipa especially as a performer. I was never one who's into concerts and I knew so little of her songs yet because of her, I found this love and appreciation for live music.

"These Walls" was my favourite song in her setlist. Ironically the most static segment of her whole performance but definitely not the least! I'm a sucker to this kind of music - it's the melody! and how the music flowed for me. and of course the lyrics.

I dare say me and my best friend was very starstruck(ed) by how gorgeous Dua Lipa was in person. She looked so healthy, so toned, so strong, confident and sexy. Her concert wardrobe and dances highlighted all these - and ugh! It still has the same effect even after rewatching the entire concert on Youtube. She makes you wanna put in the work and get-that-bod.!!

I technically have little to no point of comparison but I wonder if other concerts are as well produced. Everything was so well coordinated to the point of being scripted but truly, I think it's more of the care and attention to every detail and movement that I'm really proud to witness it all live.

I hope you'll give the video a watch, even in just small segments and let me know if the magic of the concert is real. I think the video has captured the awe of it all. A true testament of how things can be if the artist have a hand to the production of their works. 

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✎﹏﹏ Sunday, August 30, 2026, 1:59 PM 2(comment)

content
icon: sacredlith
 
Pfff where do I start? It's been a loaded week than I thought. From catching up with a close buddy during our school days; hosting and organizing a dermatology conference for nurses; to also catching up with my very own BFF whilst in conference. Busy as it may seem, the company and warmth of what a friend can offer came just at the right time.

In all honesty, I wasn't at all looking forward to this year's conference. Not only was the location held at HLZ which affected the number of attendees (let's just say it's a city which most locals really don't visit) but also the (derm) society's lack of support for promoting it. We have no access to their website nor to their social media and so, getting the word out there about the conference was close to nothing. Also with our work place organizing it... I already knew it wouldn't go so well. There's a number of layers as to why but I'll just end it there. Overall to me, it was a lackluster convention.

But! The beauty of this conference was it gave me and my best friend an excuse to have a get together, and spend some time with each other (ㅅ´ ˘ `)  December last year was the last time we saw one another as they needed to relocate down to Dunedin, for parental support in taking care of their little boy. Catching up with her was a breath of fresh air! We laughed, listened to each other's current struggles, reminisced about our young & naive years... she had a much needed break from being a mom & I got my little get away (which was already necessary at this point). It was good! And it truly felt as if it was the universe's way or God's way of helping me cope. Till next time Drey ♥

Recently too I have been in touch with a good old friend, Neithan. He's a tight buddy of ours during our high school and uni years, a big part of our hormonal and youthful founding years ꉂ (´∀｀)haha! We didn't necessarily keep in touch or have fallen off each other's radar due to life reasons, but we lately found each other through our blogs. How cool is that?! We then decided to do a call as the comments section or guestbook pages in our own blogs are not big or long enough to accommodate our blabber. I don't think I have spoken with anyone this long over a video call (apart from Neh, of course)! I have forgotten how we shared common interests, similar outlook in life and how we keep things to ourselves as sensitive people and continue to power through life.

At this point Neh is already up and so I have to cut my narrative short. I've gotten most of my thoughts out so that's okay. It's been a good week and I feel very blessed to have people like them in my life, people who I call are my friends ♥

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✎﹏﹏ Friday, August 21, 2026, 7:13 PM 0(comment)

frustrated
icon: sawako
music: Easy - Mac Ayres
 
Today I finally took a mental health day off from work as silly as that may sound (especially to my folks).
 
 
Details

I truly think I'm already blessed enough with where I am and with the work that I do. We have ample days off within the week, good colleagues (except for one), manageable workload, and sensible management. I have a caring and responsible partner that cherishes me dearly and knows how to break my critically uptight mentality.

So it puzzles me why I still feel distraught, tired and fed up. Am I starting to be entitled? Because these used to be my goals and now that I'm here, I feel discontented.

I do feel it stems from wanting to have a "break" - in the sense of breaking free from trying to financially prepare for the worst; to go have a decent holiday and actually enjoy and not be thinking of the financial damage it'll cost. I barely took a break for nearly more than 4 years, Neh and I have never been to a holiday of our own since his arrival in NZ and I don't go out of my way to go out of town for a change of pace. All because these entail costs.

I feel that it's gotten worse that I would cry watching clips of old cartoons or seeing people go to concerts or events that we wanted to go to but couldn't due to work. I miss being a child free from responsibilities and living life day by day.

This I understand is a me problem. I somewhat inherently have no regard in taking breaks or holidays as this was how I was brought up. When I was still new to the workforce, I'd begged my parents to allow me to take a sick leave when I'm not feeling well. They'd ridicule me for wanting to rest, to just take pain medication and still go to work. I don't think I've ever gone on a sick leave when I was still living under their roof unless it was a serious asthma attack. The memory has never left me and I feel has impacted how I treat work today.

But don't get me wrong, I'm also thankful for their discipline as it taught me grit and hard work though to some extent in an unhealthy way. 

・・・・・・・・・・   
 
At this point I stopped typing as I was bawling my eyes out. It was a good and probably much needed crying session. I felt more clarity after the unimpeded release (I should cry more often).


I feel I've been trying to suppress the things that could have made me happy for such a long time essentially to get where I am today. Though I'm an adult now and should stop blaming history and start deciding for myself. Life is short and I should learn to let go of old restrictive ways.

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✎﹏﹏ Monday, August 17, 2026, 1:57 AM 0(comment)

indescribable
icon: nefadol
music: Erase - Hyolyn x JooYoung - feat. Iron

These past 2 weeks have partly been learning to let go of control and to purposely relax in practice. I could say it's done me good in ways of keeping my mind quiet or stopping it from over thinking. 
To accept and to let things be. 

I've been particularly rich in social interactions (to my introverted standards) as of late too; Reconnecting with old friends, engaging with someone new and known, eating out with coworkers on a weekend, long phone calls with a dear friend, etc. I allowed myself to live in the moment and be present. 

I think my mind has been all over the place with what's happening to the world in recent times. I want to be aware but I do admit that the news often gives me a sense of doom. The global economic climate is not getting any better and so because of this, I often gloss over what's happening with the present and hyperfixate about tomorrow. There is no apparent change to how I am in person but my mind is just in a constant whirl that I have to manually, consciously have to stop and to make myself aware of the now. 
 
I've had enough and told myself to slow down. It's hard to feel hopeful of what's to come and I guess it's alright to be wary but it shouldn't sully the happiness and pleasures of today is what I'm trying to convince myself. 
PS. I hella love this song [효린(Hyolyn) X 주영(JooYoung) - 지워(Erase) feat. 아이언(Iron)]. An oldie but a goodie (ㅅ´ ˘ `) 

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✎﹏﹏ Saturday, July 18, 2026, 4:51 PM 0(comment)

discontent
icon: jaizea
music: Poppies in Morning

Hmm not much to say this week. I guess that's a good thing? ꉂ(´∀｀) at least nothing that's incredibly pressing that needed to be aired out or to have my thoughts organized about. We'll instead have some notes and all-over the place thread-of-thought today:

[1] I am so delighted joining cliques under Aquarel.nu by Aelyn and Cerine. I've always admired their designs and writing. They were also amongst the reasons why I've gone back to blogging and faced the challenge of coding once more. Their wonderful web designs reminded me so much of the good old early 2000's div styling.

Believe it or not, I used to do artworks via Adobe Photoshop. Tiny remnants of them survived in my earlier posts in this blog (which I was so pleasantly surprised to find out about!). Seeing them still makes my heart ache of nostalgia and fondness. Graphics designing used to be a big hobby and was (and still is!) a big source of my motivation generally speaking; getting through my studies back in high school and uni years just so I can start designing and use the computer for my leisure. 

Having to learn and design digital pieces back then was incredibly fulfilling! Now that I think about it, losing all my resources such as the textures, brushes, fonts, tutorials etc., including Photoshop CS3, the program I used, has been a big regret of mine. I moved out of PH to find better working opportunities and with it came a (lot of) cost, amongst them were my hobbies. I was only able to bring with me a small notebook laptop and it could not contain everything I held dear for graphics designing. In fact, the icons and mood themes I'm using today are a small part of the collection.  

Getting back into designing now that things have settled down did cross my mind though, a lot of things have changed. It's a pain getting Photoshop; resources that used to be readily available are no longer accessible; although I do agree that artists/ webmasters responsible for making them should get something (particularly in monetary form) in return apart from credit and fame. I'm also very sad about the state of celetial-star.net & aethereality.net. Those 2 websites used to be a huge source of inspiration. < Oops, I'm getting distracted > Anyway, I'm well aware that these are only my excuses. That if I want to get back into it badly enough, there are ways.

[2] Got my hair chopped last Wednesday, above the shoulder length. This is only the 3rd time I got it this short and it's due to it being such a hassle to dry during this winter season. I've been liking it so far and Neh has been loving it too.

[3] This week we've been enjoying "OPM 2025–2026 Late Night Playlist Mix"

[4] Contemplating whether to avail of a digital artbook by Natalia Zaitseva. She is an illustrator and a mum. Been enjoying her artworks and/ or comics, also her being a mum around my age resonates with me as I have a few friends who are also fellow toddler moms. Being in that stage of motherhood is both a joy and a struggle which is why I'm thinking of buying the artbook (to be at least of tiny help) plus I do genuinely enjoy her works! Please consider checking her out too! 
 
That's it for now! I've had enough distractions while writing this post and my patience to endure more of it has rant out (╥ ᴗ ╥) Next week again!

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✎﹏﹏ Friday, July 10, 2026, 2:50 PM 0(comment)

uncomfortable
icon: starsoft
music: HALO - NOMELON NOLEMON
 
Writing this entry feeling and probably looking disheveled in person too. Had a long day yesterday at work and it's been another late finish... Soon in the evening, I realized the probable reason why it hasn't been possible for me to blog that much in the last 6-7 years. 

Life without Neh I suppose, has mostly been running on adrenaline... Living in a foreign country mostly with just friends but technically on my own had its ups and downs. I've been mainly neglecting my health in terms of sleep and food consumption. After a long day at work, I'd wash up and head to the laptop (2016)/ computer (2020) either to play games and/ or chat with Neh. Could go the other way around too. Eating was often optional, this was more prominent back when I was still doing shift work. Coming home from a long 12-hour busy shift, I'd slump at the side of my bed, rest and just... stare. Won't have the energy to make a meal but in dire need of a slow-down and sleep. Often I'd get comments of how skinny or small I was back then.

Eating habits had a bit of an improvement as soon as I dropped shifting and only had a day job. I could finally meal prep and had more decent lunches. Not the healthiest, prolly had more carbs really but at least warm lunches this time, and not just the sad, bare minimum cheese sandwich. I didn't take my weight often but my clavicles were still evidently noticeable during those times.

Neh came into the picture late Dec. in 2022. Meals had massive improvements. Today, I look healthier and have "more in me" compared to those years passed. But! My sleeping habits has not changed. Years of working afternoon to night shifts plus the time invested despite the time difference in order to spend time with Neh (back then), has really etched into my system. Now though that he's with me, I no longer have a valid reason to stay up late and further abuse myself and this freedom.

In summary, this is all about me being disappointed at myself for failing horribly at fixing my sleeping habits and schedule; and explaining (or looking for an excuse) how life was in the past 6-7 years that made me unable to blog. In truth, it would have been possible if I tried but, I guess I chose to live life and only have forgotten.

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✎﹏﹏ Sunday, June 28, 2026, 12:40 PM 0(comment)

sore
icon: nefadol
music: Monochrome - Naoko Gushima

This week's my first time missing a whole week of entry at doevery.day. Most of it is missing doing an entry before 12am and simply giving up on the idea of doing one. Couldn't think of any other reasons but overall, this week was a bit of a roller coaster -  Some random notes: 

  • Knocked myself accidentally on the lower right medial shin while transporting a PDT light at work, sustaining a big hematoma (╥ᆺ╥ ;)
  • One of things I hate about getting older is the level of "maintenance" we have to do in order to preserve ourselves and stay healthy. We can't just wash-up with  soap and water unlike when we were kids, don our pajamas and sleep. No, gotta brush, floss, shower, do proper skin care and then go to bed. It's the stepsヽ(｀Д´#)ﾉ  This is the lazy me doing the talking here. I know they're necessary but oh the joys and convenience we truly had as kids back then.  

・・・・・・・・・・   

  • Wednesday early morning was a little horrific. We stayed up late that day playing Ravenswatch and when we were finally trying to rest before washing up and was doing our own thing, my partner (somehow) decided to repair a broken umbrella and accidentally lacerated his right index finger. I kid you not, it looked like a crime scene in our apartment. Blood was everywhere. He definitely sliced off an artery with the level of projectile and ooze it made. The nurse in me tried to stay calm and do basic first aid but the saying is true about how a medical professional reverts to simply being a "relative" when something dire is happening to their loved one, because at that time, I too was scared for him and was shaking. My partner has this fear or trauma of active, projectile bleeding after witnessing a relative of his hitting his knee on an edge back when he was still very young. 

So, there I was trying to manage the bleeding while gauging his level of consciousness (if he was going to faint). Luckily he toughed it out and was more angry at himself for using a knife over a screwdriver. We spent the wee hours of the morning going from the hospital to our local A&E, queuing, getting seen by both the nurse and GP, then finally cleaning the mess in our apartment. We both are already awake for more than 24 hours at this point.  

Moral of the story: doing fine tinkering beyond midnight is not the brightest decision; try to sleep on time; listen to your body and say no to further gaming especially when it's already getting into the wee hours of the morning.  

・・・・・・・・・・  

  • The rude coworker is not letting up. I can't believe she's still at it and seriously don't understand what's her beef with me. Deeply and sincerely wish for karma to pleeeeease do its thing to her! She's genuinely ruining the good working environment we have in the clinic over her misunderstandings, insecurity and arrogance.    
  • Yesterday me and my partner and two of my coworkers went out for brunch. It's funny because we were forced to be out and about before lunch time which me and Neh rarely do. It does feel good as we got to accomplish a lot of things; been to places, shopped what we needed and most of all spent time with good company. We were home by quarter to 7 in the evening and ordered Sal's for take away (ㅅ´ ˘ `)   

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✎﹏﹏ Sunday, June 21, 2026, 10:36 AM 0(comment)

peaceful
icon: kakapum
music: RYUSENKEI - Summer Ray
 
Its odd... most of this week I felt like having the sort of gloss or feeling that I'm about to get unwell but I haven't. We've entered winter season here in down under - coughs, colds and flu-like symptoms has been on a rise and so I've been having this strange feeling in me of about getting unwell yet it's been strangely comforting.

I remember this feeling from when I was younger or while back at home (PH). The best way I could possibly describe it is, it's like a glaze or gloss (feeling or) look from when one has a fever and/ or possibly a blocked nose from a cold. Its funny, I've been yearning to be home that badly that even the very feeling or nostalgia of being unwell has been a comforting thing. So this sense of susceptibility has carried me through the week and had me in a much better disposition. Bizarre but I'm thankful for it. I just hope I'm really not brewing any sickness that's going bite me from the back!
・・・・・・・・・・ 

Yesterday, Neh and I decided to go on a date since it's prolly been over a month since we last went on one. It's our anniversary this June and so whenever we seem to splurge a little bit than usual, we always associate it to celebrating that very occasion ꉂ(˵˃ ᗜ ˂˵) That, we indeed do yesterday though! 
 
Eating out, buying desserts plus 2 artbooks (Monhun World - official complete works & Rosuuri's) has reeeally costed us some bucks! No regrets on the art books though! The Monster Hunter World is so fascinating, it's like an encyclopedia! Very thick and bulky and oh the details and art inside (๑♡⌓♡๑) It is so good that we're going to request for the Iceborne version as well. 
・・・・・・・・・・ 

I am almost done with The Storm Sister: The Seven Sisters Book 2, just 2h and 48 mins left to the audio book. It has been a ride so far. Lots of Norwegian and German places and phrases. I'm glad I listened to the audiobook version first otherwise I'd be butchering their pronunciation in my head. I'll have to reread this again with the actual text next time to coincide both the words and spelling plus their pronunciation.
 Have a happy Sunday! 

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✎﹏﹏ Sunday, June 14, 2026, 7:59 PM 2(comment)

rushed
icon: nefadol
music: lounge music for the hard worker
 
This week I truly learned that I couldn't focus when someone is roaming around and is able to see my screen whilst I'm writing. Last Saturday was probably my last opportunity on having some time alone since my partner is changing his work schedule. Our PC set-ups are right next to each other and our screens well visible, you don't even have to look-over. While I am generally happy with this arrangement, it just hasn't been conducive when I'm writing. My Apologies for the sloppy and all over the place entry (•́ ᴖ •̀) 

Jenn, a content creator I've been following has recently released a video (A Productive Reset | home organization, self-esteem, co-parenting, more adulting) and it was great! There were a few good points and quotes. Here are some of my personal thoughts & reflections:
Short form (reels/ shorts) vs. long form media (videos/ documentaries) and, how short form somehow encourages "brain rot"
I too, have been having the same sentiment. With Instagram alone, it's the mindless reading, watching and scrolling despite the intention of taking everything in and staying engaged. I'm honestly starting to think humans are not built for such short and fast-paced consumption. Amazing though to those who can keep up but perhaps I belong to long-form gang. 
Sometimes when you vent, you're almost cementing how you feel - it's (it can be) a very negative place to be. 
Ranting is good but it is often our very emotionally-high self that's talking, which more often can be coming from a very self-centered perspective. I tend to do some introspection prior to ranting and I wonder if it makes me lose the momentum and the battle against time when it comes to complaining to authority (based from recent happenings). I want to be more sure about how I feel and see the situation from a logical perspective before openly complaining. And so I've never felt so seen in a way of coping through this simple phrase. 
Crying can be cleansing, almost like a purge.
I couldn't agree more! A good weeping session when you're emotionally overwhelmed is good for our mental health and sanity!
If you think hard enough, anything can be a toy
Not coming from a well-off family while growing up, I was often denied of toys I wanted to have. I'd often make do of whatever was available and let my imagination run wild. I remember I'd often make use of this soft towel that's purposely for wicking sweat off of my back and would make a simple knot. The towel then will look like a doll with long hair, in a long dress and would be was enough to make me happy and in keeping me pre-occupied. That's why toys doesn't have to be expensive, I reckon!

I also love the way she breaks down books she's read. Overall, I missed this girl! Her authenticity, the learnings she has gained from reading books and through her life experiences... it was a wisdom-filled video (for my demographic in particular). A gentle reminder (to not quickly judge) as her ending remarks was a chef's kiss too; 
Every family looks different and I'm very grateful for mine.
・・・・・・・・・・ 
Anime and manga I've enjoyed these past few weeks: You and I are polar Opposites and Ramparts of Ice both by Agasawa Koucha. Typical high-school setting but is rich with inner monologues and of diversity of characters. Also finished typing/ reading, The Prophet by Khalil Gibran via entertained. 

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✎﹏﹏ Saturday, June 06, 2026, 12:50 PM 0(comment)

blah
icon: redlith
 
Sadly the rude coworker/ colleague chronicles continues... Been looking forward to this end of the week entry - had some good stuffs to write about in mind, only to be sullied again by what happened at work yesterday. 

How exactly does neuroplasticity work? How can I perpetually get out of my own head and see the wider picture? I'm generally of a logical than an emotionally driven person but through this experience, I've discovered that I tend to be passive yet have this simmering resentment when one has done me wrong. And I despised being wronged and disrespected publicly and not get an apology (at all, esp. when its not only once or twice). I wonder when this will ever end. 
 
(I'm sorry for making this part vague and brief. Often I feel bad writing about it but at the same time, the very act of writing helps me process my feelings, thoughts and emotions about the matter. So this is for my sanity too).
・・・・・・・・・・

On a brighter note, I forgot to mention that my lab results came back last week and all was clear on paper bout me having nephrolithiasis (thank goodness). Interestingly though, my flank discomfort is still present. It is no longer as strong, but dull and about 3/10 pain scale. It has never truly went away since  which still gives me a gnawing feeling of concern. I'm trying to maintain a regular water intake habit and crossing my fingers that this is nothing more. 
・・・・・・・・・・

2 days ago, I applied for Puuung's Happy Mail Club for the month of June. It's a snail mail containing a new piece of her art every month and some of her existing ones through out the years. I was so pleasantly surprised knowing she just started doing this and never have I felt this giddy over anything in a while! Puuung is sentimental and symbolic for me as she is the very first artist whom I bought an artbook from. It also marked the time when I was already comfortable enough to splurge on a "want" rather than on a "need". I missed the first batch which was just last month but very much looking forward for the one this June (*´▽`*)
 Please check Puuung out! She makes very warm and cute artworks especially when you have someone to share an affection with ♥

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✎﹏﹏ Saturday, May 30, 2026, 4:15 PM 0(comment)

bouncy
icon: zaganuk
music: Watashitachi o Shinjite Ite - Cindy
 
This past week I've been slowly making some updates and changes to the blog. Today, while I was still at it, I got hooked listening to Efra and Waleska's reaction to English OPM, spiraling to covers to its original soundtracks, to native music and finally to the 80's and 90's. 

Is it undisputed that music from years ago just have more essence, meaning and variety to them? That there was a music for everyone and that everyone was almost exposed to every genre. Or am I just biased having to live within that transition period between the old and the new world (pre and post internet)?
Or is it my yearning for what has been and for a time lost?
I am perhaps one of those people who wishes to go back in time before the internet and just at that cusp when internet was born, that very sweet spot! This might as well be my homesickness talking.

Transitioning abruptly, I've fully revamped my Fanlisting section to Media - which stores all sorts of my interests and/ or hobbies. It's not everything but I'm trying to make it as minimal as possible to not make the page too random or long but I hope its still got some personality to it! 

I've also decided to join a webring (Retronaut)! Which you'll see at the bottom left of the screen. Whilst I was thinking of no longer getting myself out there, having a sense of connection to the rest of web even in the most random way felt comforting. I doubt anyone will find me from there, but it's good enough-

So, I hope you like the recent changes? I'm planning on adding more: probably books or mangas, vocabulary or even quotes. Maybe a guestbook? For now, I'm happy where we are at ♥ 

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✎﹏﹏ Saturday, May 23, 2026, 2:27 PM 0(comment)

sad
icon: dogssleep
music: | playlist | 초여름 도쿄 산책

Haven't had the idea about what to write today. I've had these burst of motivation to blog every now and then but somehow not this week... This week in particular have been draining if I were to be honest but oddly for no logical reason apart from me having a restless mind, thus the sleepless nights.

I do feel it's about time for me to just have a break from it all. Apply for a mental health leave or something - an annual leave and go out of town just to be away and have a change of pace. Just something. And I hate that with how much I am asking for an external or tangible thing to set me free, that it is my body that's giving out on me.
 
I've experienced an unexplained mid to lower flank pain since Wednesday and has persisted till yesterday. It felt more of an organ pain vs. muscular pain too. It scared me to the point that I made a GP appointment for this coming Wednesday. Strangely enough, only this morning has that pain reduced in intensity. It got me so worried about having kidney stones as my previous infections and recent frequency in urination seem to coincide to that diagnosis. Also these headaches for a few days now too, from the lack of sleep.

It's crazy what the mind can do and how our grief, sadness and burden can manifests through our mood and body. I deeply wish all that I'm feeling now is just a reflection of the weight I'm carrying and nothing more. I do admit I need to do a better job at taking good care of myself.
 
I truly just want to get away and have a break. I'm tired and I'm well overdue to visit home...

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✎﹏﹏ Saturday, May 16, 2026, 1:20 PM 0(comment)

relaxed
icon: suukeepslookingup
music: The Birdsongs
 
Hello~ Happy weekend! I finally, genuinely feel better this week. A big reason might have been after I've cried most of my worries out and since then I may have sorted my feelings and thoughts out for the most part.

I'm now focusing on trying to be in a better disposition. To not get so much into the details of what happened, the thoughts and the trauma(?) about the whole experience. I'm surprised it's taking me a long time to move on! Just goes to shows to myself how fragile I am; how my heart and mind recovery in varying speed and that I'm not smart enough to get things to work in my favor even when I know I was in the right. I blame it to my inability to express myself cunningly.

On top of all these, I couldn't help but appreciate my partner. He doesn't say much nor does he always say the words I needed to hear, but his presence and consideration for me has always, always been palpable. I've been meaning to make an appreciation post about him but I'm worried it might get too cheesy. He's been a constant in my life and I'm always very thankful for his gentle love and care. I have truly lucked out on him and I'm doing what I can to not to take his love for granted.

This is such a random post lol! I'll go now and continue to enjoy this slow weekend... continue reading The Ramparts of Ice and may be try doing something productive some time later-

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✎﹏﹏ Saturday, May 09, 2026, 7:21 PM 0(comment)

stressed
icon: innis
music: Tú - maye | Walk away - Mina Okabe

I've noticed I've been easily tired in the evenings these past few days - and I'm wondering if its just due to how things are at work recently or because of the regular sugar spike post dinner; bit of both, or is it the former? I've been napping a lot too on the sofa and waking up at around midnight or at 1, or even at 2am-ish.

I do feel what happened at work had really taken a toll on me mentally. This week, I was mostly feeling alright but I'd start being so irritated and angry (on the inside) whenever I get a glance of the person or when speaking to a fellow colleague that has similar qualms about that controversial colleague of ours. I hate how this person is bringing so much discord, disparity and hatred towards such a good place to work at; and more importantly, I despise how much it affects me.

I have been trying to let things go, to feel better after what she's done - and I know I've been struggling as things are still very recent (just a week), but damn is it very tiring to be always angry! 

I was meaning to talk more to management but partly in truth, I think they already know what's going on as there has been another complaint raised about this person from another colleague 2 days ago.

It would have been easier if she can just be extricated, but unfortunately it is not permissible or legal. Attitudinal problems doesn't get you in trouble here. Mind you, not only is she disrespectful or have a problematic attitude, but is also slow on the uptake considering how long she has already been and despite the repetitive nature of our tasks. Thus us needing to double check on the work she's done and more. Oh don't get me started with her not being considerate and not having the initiative.

I just really want to air this out once and for all. To be gone from my system because this is not healthy and I'm starting to hate the person I'm becoming just because of this person.

I understand though that this matter is now out of my hands and that all I can do is to focus in my own actions, thoughts and reactions - to take things a stride. 
I just want to be better and not dwell on this any longer.

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✎﹏﹏ Saturday, May 02, 2026, 1:05 PM 0(comment)

annoyed
icon: jaizea
music: none
 
I am on a fence whether to write down bout what happened in the past 2 days just because it has been so exhausting. We get to meet different people from all walks of life but I cannot imagine encountering one in my profession to be this emotionally erratic and perhaps mentally unstable. 

Long story short is that I was accused of bullying and assault. That person had so much way with her words that she obviously has taken the attention of many. Funny tho she doesn't really know the definition of bullying - that it requires to be a repeated intentional harm, which did not happen based from her narrative.  Her story was mainly "I", "I", "I" - it was so emotionally driven but logically empty. She wants to prove a point because she was made to feel that way and I was in the wrong for making her feel that way. She refused to hear my side of the story and shakes her head and yells like a child in disagreement. She is so guarded, so emotionally prickly that she believes in her own delusions thus the accusation for assault. It's crazy how management is tolerating this kind of a behaviour and this person considering it is not an isolated case due to all the discord she has done within the company. 

As a person who works in a medical field, I've always strive to maintain a professional image and relationship may it be with colleagues or patients. So I just couldn't fathom the amount of lies and delusion she has come up from the time we've worked together till recently. It is just so mind-boggling to have a colleague in this field like her. Just how is this being tolerated? I'd take a critic or complaint but not coming from a person who is not in the right frame of mind! 

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✎﹏﹏ Monday, April 27, 2026, 1:33 PM 0(comment)

relieved
icon: ladyflash
music: Paddington in Paris (a playlist)

Got lots to tell over the things that has happened in the last 2 weeks. I should make sure to too, to quickly get in the mood to write on Saturday mornings since it's my only time alone at home. I can't seem to focus when someone's hovering around.

I was on the verge of getting another UTI (urinary track infection). I've had it for the first time about 3 months ago and it felt like creeping back about 2 weeks from today. My problem was simple, I wasn't drinking enough water. But thank goodness after upping my water intake the signs and symptoms started to subside. I normally don't drink juices nor soft drinks so it was only due to the lack of fluid intake in general. I just gotta keep up with this simple good habit (ᴗ_ ᴗ。)

Last week, I got a new ⌨️!! We thought that electronic parts will start hiking-up in prices and my old keyboard has been with me for the past 6 years. It was still doing it's job but my WASD, R) shift and R) CTRL top coating has long faded. It was also a very noisy mechanical keyboard. My partner couldn't sleep on nights when I'm left staying up late typing. And so, we got the MCHOSE X Ubox Therapy UT98. It's very quiet! And soft (  •⩊• ) It makes you want to type all day! Though I am not completely happy with the white keys but poppers can't be choosy eh? Overall I'm quite satisfied with this purchase. Its gets the 👍🏼.

Finally, last Friday, I had a good clash with an arrogant colleague. But to her demise, she lashed out right in front of the patient and doctor. Very unprofessional. Most of us have long struggled with her temper, brashness and unprofessionalism - it's honestly been so tiring and frustrating. I do not know how management is going to deal with this but in part it was a relief that she did it because she has been doing the same for us, her colleagues. Everyone just have to swallow their anger, the disrespect and be the better person each time she lashes out. I hope she seeks the help that she needs because honestly, she-is-not-okay.

Today is the end of our long weekend. I plan on getting some exercise in... if I have the will for it, but I honestly need to slap my own butt and just get to it. Else I'll regret it in the long run. I'm planning on possibly changing my blog's url, updating the about me section and fanlisting corner. Still thinking things through so there might be some changes that'll come up here and there (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

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✎﹏﹏ Sunday, April 12, 2026, 5:27 PM 0(comment)

cranky
icon: Mio from K-ON! Forgot to save source, sorry! 
music: Lo-fi Guitar to Wind Down

I was wondering when I'll start losing the motivation to keep up with writing. If the interest I've found over Easter holiday will push through... I am not too sure either as to why I had a huge gap or why I've stopped updating for quite some time. 

Anyway, I've been reading a few blogs here and there and it has come to me that I shouldn't be so strict on myself bout having a particular theme or topic when making a post. I mean I think I haven't been doing it strictly so but, it might be one of the reasons why I might have stopped writing apart from trying to establish a life in a foreign country. So I'll try to be more spontaneous and random prolly from here on out. 

While on the topic bout foreign-country-life, I've finally became a citizen last year! I'm now on my 10th year and 10 months in New Zealand. I've lived a boring life tho to be honest! The exciting bits were only during the first few and on my 4th year onwards, my life has mostly been just between home and work - and some odd trips from when a close friend of mine forces me to come along. But really I haven't explored the country at all despite being here for a decade. I was very much into saving up for my day to day expenses, tuition, examination, relocation fees, etc. 

Not that I have regretted the way I've lived - but on the contrary, I'm proud that I didn't need or asked for my parents support as soon as I got my first (official) job. I was very much okay too being at home as long as I had my laptop (back then)/ PC and an internet connection. The only regret I carry is not visiting home frequently enough which is true to this day. Life has always found a way for me not to travel internationally when I think it's feasible enough for me to do so. Last time t'was covid now it's this beef between the USA vs Iran or the world. 

So here's to hoping that the geopolitical climate gets resolved. So there's more of a sense of comfort, general safety, security and back to normal cost of living AND travel! 

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✎﹏﹏ Sunday, November 16, 2025, 10:53 AM 0(comment)

thoughtful
 icon: mintypatty

music: Midnight French - Jazz Pop

 Hi! It's been two years. It's only 10 in the morning today, the weather's good and I have our place to my own - so I figured today's a good day to write!

I know the blog is in dire need of updating but to be honest I feel very lazy working on the codes. On the flip side, I've finally found my icons folder and mood themes from all the way back (Livejournal days!). You have no idea how distressed and sad I felt when I couldn't find them and have resigned to have lost them. Last night my hard drive fell, my partner panicked and asked me to check if it was still functional. The hard drive was alright and lo & behold - I found my precious stuffs in it! To my defense, I thought I have checked it's contents but it never registered to me that my icons and mood themes were in it :'(

Anyway, I don't understand it myself but this blog, the icons and mood themes hold a very special place in my heart. It might be because its from a time of youthful vulnerability and exploration. Making this blog, writing and hunting down artworks - felt such an euphoric experience. That is why at times, I would still look around the web in search of bloggers - bloggers that designs their own layout/ website and actually still write about their life. 

I really miss that whimsical touch that each and every writer / designer do to their web space back then at the height of blogging. It was so magical, so diverse, creative - inspirational! You don't get to see that a lot of those these days. And I believe most of those people have now grown up, became parents and have taken new roles and responsibilities.

Its sad but I guess that's how life goes. Things tend to be so magical (I feel) at a certain age. I'm well sure youngsters nowadays have their own whimsical encounters or hobbies but mine was this... and even now that I'm in my adult years, I still yearn coming back - to feel the excitement, the satisfaction, the creative and emotional release of being able to write down my thoughts and pick out an icon to match with the post. 

There are more I wanted to share but I'll save my nonsense in another post. Have a lovely Sunday!

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✎﹏﹏ Wednesday, August 03, 2016, 6:40 PM 0(comment)

confused
icon: heist
music: Maaya Sakamoto - Lucy

Hellooo! Its been 2 years since I made an entry. It has been a long long while! Believe me, I've tried writing and even have several drafts saved in my blogger page. But none of them made it to be published. I got tons of things to tell and to update!

To start, I am now in New Zealand trying to find a greener pasture. Remember how I used to complain about work back at home? I used this as an opportunity to  get away and to finally be able to find or do something I love or maybe good at. I came here as a student taking Diploma in Business (Health Services), a 1 year course which I finished last month. Now, I am on my open job search visa. 
So I kinda live independently now. Living the adult life away from my comfort zone (home).
If you were to ask if I've found my dream job - well, not exactly yet. And it seems like I'll have to get back at nursing because it seems to be the only way to find and set my place in this country. Have to go through several tests yet again and a bridging course to get to that point while working for the money for my everyday needs. It sounds a pain... and It really took time for me to grasp the whole idea of going back to nursing once again. Being reminded by all of these kinda makes me depressed to be honest lol.

Aside from real/ adult problems, my boyfriend and I are still together coping with the super-extra long distance. I guess this is one of the things I'm happy and proud of. My bestfriend, Drey is also here with me. Though we're not exactly staying at the same place, we still live in the same city and try to see each other to catch up from time to time.

There are several things I was able to do by living and working here at New Zealand that I probably won't be able to have or experience any time soon if I were still there back at home. I am thankful nonetheless of this chance having to do something entirely different :) 

I'll end my update here for now- I hope I'll get to post some more! I love blogging but I'm a lazy person by nature so I really do procrastinate a lot. Short updates are usually found in my twitter if you're interested. Till next time!


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