Neko

I truly think I'm already blessed enough with where I am and with the work that I do. We have ample days off within the week, good colleagues (except for one), manageable workload, and sensible management. I have a caring and responsible partner that cherishes me dearly and knows how to break my critically uptight mentality.

So it puzzles me why I still feel distraught, tired and fed up. Am I starting to be entitled? Because these used to be my goals and now that I'm here, I feel discontented.

I do feel it stems from wanting to have a "break" - in the sense of breaking free from trying to financially prepare for the worst; to go have a decent holiday and actually enjoy and not be thinking of the financial damage it'll cost. I barely took a break for nearly more than 4 years, Neh and I have never been to a holiday of our own since his arrival in NZ and I don't go out of my way to go out of town for a change of pace. All because these entail costs.

I feel that it's gotten worse that I would cry watching clips of old cartoons or seeing people go to concerts or events that we wanted to go to but couldn't due to work. I miss being a child free from responsibilities and living life day by day.

This I understand is a me problem. I somewhat inherently have no regard in taking breaks or holidays as this was how I was brought up. When I was still new to the workforce, I'd begged my parents to allow me to take a sick leave when I'm not feeling well. They'd ridicule me for wanting to rest, to just take pain medication and still go to work. I don't think I've ever gone on a sick leave when I was still living under their roof unless it was a serious asthma attack. The memory has never left me and I feel has impacted how I treat work today.

But don't get me wrong, I'm also thankful for their discipline as it taught me grit and hard work though to some extent in an unhealthy way.