Neko

determined

icon: aerylia

music: All That I Know - ZUHAIR

 

Today we finished watching Natsuyuki Rendezvous. It was a slow burn anime. We wouldn't have picked it up if we didn't run out of shows to watch over dinner or meal times. For some reason this show made me firm... or rather, comforted on the decision of getting married.

Neh and I have been in a relationship for 14+ years (but majority of that time was spent being in long distance) that given all these years, we're practically or good as married. If one were to ask why we're not yet married, well,  I'm the reason why. I'm the one that's been I guess on and off about it. Reasons as to why is quite personal but ultimately boils down to my insecurities. Neh on the other hand, has had his decision made a long time ago and in fact has semi-proposed several times in the past. I'm lucky he's still with me and I think deep down he knows or understands the fact that he's my person. That regardless of our marital status, he's the one I want to be with.

Shows like Natsuyuki Rendezvous and The Cat and the Dragon (another anime series we recently finished, it's really good btw!) fleshes out mortality and time. And as an effect made me think about what am I waiting for? What am I wasting all this time for?... Anyway those thoughts are to my own but don't worry, prepping for marriage is in our list. It's just a matter of time when I'd be willing to work on it (๑>؂•̀๑)

・・・・・・・・・・  

In the past few weeks:

● We went to Overload 2026 and spent an absurd amount on artworks. I regret the amount spent but not the lovely artworks of course! 🅾🅾🅾🅾 

✿ Finally took Neh to Cornwall Park in time for the Cherry Blossom season 🅾 🅾 🅾 

● My best friend got me some coloring markers and a colouring guide for my birthday. Thank you, Drey ♥  Colouring has been a recent hobby that we both share. Life's been so stressful that this has been something to help in switching the brain off and letting our hands do the work.

In the near future:

● Neh and I are looking forward to our trip to Rotorua. I hope the weather will be good (the forecast says otherwise) but regardless, we'll have to push through and make the most of our time! It's our first get away as a couple after all（˶•̀ ᎑-˶）

pensive

icon: aerylia

music: りりあ。riria. / 「いつかちゃんと。」“Itsuka Chanto”

Been unwell for about a 1 week and 2 days now. The brunt of my upper respiratory infection (URTI) was probably from Thursday last week and only had a noticeable improvement today. Nights or early hours in the morning have been particularly difficult as lying reclined somehow triggers my cough and so, now I'm thankful that I'm on the tail end of it. 

The thing with my health is I was very asthmatic as a child. I was the one who'd be in the doctor's office or in the hospital every month. Dad was usually my main caretaker in a way that he knows my medications, knows how to prevent and manage my asthma attacks. I was so dependent on him that whenever he'd be away for a business trip and, on the day he'd come home, he'd find me (without fail) in a corner curled-up or hunched over looking blue, and it's usually the rush to the hospital right after. The situation repeats every single time he'd be out of town even just for a couple of days. I was a very handful child...

And so because of this, I think my body have a low tolerance to URTIs. COVID too didn't help and only added to its weakness. I was lucky to have been granted 2 days sick leave this week. I know work can easily allow it but it's different when I know there's enough staff to cover while I'm out sick... It gave me more peace of mind and really allowed or gave me permission to rest and recover.

I feel a tad guilty as we were meant to celebrate Neh's upcoming birthday this past weekend... and although we did go to places and feasted, I was not at my best and was more eager to come home and rest. I am just lucky that he's very understanding and was, I guess, satisfied. But at the same time, I feel this was the reason why I couldn't fully recover over the weekend. 

Though I'm happy to report that today, on my 2nd day of sick leave, there's finally light beyond the tunnel. Yes, I still cough but at least the body malaise is no longer present, the amount of phlegm has lessened, my throat no longer feels tight nor hurt as much and I'm starting to get my voice back ( · ❛ ֊ ❛)✌

Dad's message to me yesterday, "Get well soon ate. If only you were here, I would have treated you myself" had me do a good crying session. I miss them deeply and need to do better care of myself.

unwell

icon: rommipullo

music: goodbye summer ⋆.˚ \ chill jazz  

 

Alo! It's been a while, almost 2 weeks since the last entry. In truth I may or may not have things to say but it was more of not having the space once again to freely sit with my thoughts. I haven't had the chance to wake up earlier than Neh and possibly allowed myself to sleep-in because we usually sleep very late - in the wee hours of the morning, and I feel my body's catching up on me as this week, I got sick. Still am at the time of writing. What happened today was my team at work forced me to go home and rest so, yay! Finally got some me time to myself while Neh's at work.

content

icon: sacredlith

 

Pfff where do I start? It's been a loaded week than I thought. From catching up with a close buddy during our school days; hosting and organizing a dermatology conference for nurses; to also catching up with my very own BFF whilst in conference. Busy as it may seem, the company and warmth of what a friend can offer came just at the right time.

In all honesty, I wasn't at all looking forward to this year's conference. Not only was the location held at HLZ which affected the number of attendees (let's just say it's a city which most locals really don't visit) but also the (derm) society's lack of support for promoting it. We have no access to their website nor to their social media and so, getting the word out there about the conference was close to nothing. Also with our work place organizing it... I already knew it wouldn't go so well. There's a number of layers as to why but I'll just end it there. Overall to me, it was a lackluster convention.

But! The beauty of this conference was it gave me and my best friend an excuse to have a get together, and spend some time with each other (ㅅ´ ˘ `)  December last year was the last time we saw one another as they needed to relocate down to Dunedin, for parental support in taking care of their little boy. Catching up with her was a breath of fresh air! We laughed, listened to each other's current struggles, reminisced about our young & naive years... she had a much needed break from being a mom & I got my little get away (which was already necessary at this point). It was good! And it truly felt as if it was the universe's way or God's way of helping me cope. Till next time Drey ♥

Recently too I have been in touch with a good old friend, Neithan. He's a tight buddy of ours during our high school and uni years, a big part of our hormonal and youthful founding years ꉂ (´∀｀)haha! We didn't necessarily keep in touch or have fallen off each other's radar due to life reasons, but we lately found each other through our blogs. How cool is that?! We then decided to do a call as the comments section or guestbook pages in our own blogs are not big or long enough to accommodate our blabber. I don't think I have spoken with anyone this long over a video call (apart from Neh, of course)! I have forgotten how we shared common interests, similar outlook in life and how we keep things to ourselves as sensitive people and continue to power through life.

At this point Neh is already up and so I have to cut my narrative short. I've gotten most of my thoughts out so that's okay. It's been a good week and I feel very blessed to have people like them in my life, people who I call are my friends ♥

frustrated

icon: sawako

music: Easy - Mac Ayres

 

Today I finally took a mental health day off from work as silly as that may sound (especially to my folks).

 

 

Details

I truly think I'm already blessed enough with where I am and with the work that I do. We have ample days off within the week, good colleagues (except for one), manageable workload, and sensible management. I have a caring and responsible partner that cherishes me dearly and knows how to break my critically uptight mentality.

So it puzzles me why I still feel distraught, tired and fed up. Am I starting to be entitled? Because these used to be my goals and now that I'm here, I feel discontented.

I do feel it stems from wanting to have a "break" - in the sense of breaking free from trying to financially prepare for the worst; to go have a decent holiday and actually enjoy and not be thinking of the financial damage it'll cost. I barely took a break for nearly more than 4 years, Neh and I have never been to a holiday of our own since his arrival in NZ and I don't go out of my way to go out of town for a change of pace. All because these entail costs.

I feel that it's gotten worse that I would cry watching clips of old cartoons or seeing people go to concerts or events that we wanted to go to but couldn't due to work. I miss being a child free from responsibilities and living life day by day.

This I understand is a me problem. I somewhat inherently have no regard in taking breaks or holidays as this was how I was brought up. When I was still new to the workforce, I'd begged my parents to allow me to take a sick leave when I'm not feeling well. They'd ridicule me for wanting to rest, to just take pain medication and still go to work. I don't think I've ever gone on a sick leave when I was still living under their roof unless it was a serious asthma attack. The memory has never left me and I feel has impacted how I treat work today.

But don't get me wrong, I'm also thankful for their discipline as it taught me grit and hard work though to some extent in an unhealthy way. 

・・・・・・・・・・   

 

At this point I stopped typing as I was bawling my eyes out. It was a good and probably much needed crying session. I felt more clarity after the unimpeded release (I should cry more often).

I feel I've been trying to suppress the things that could have made me happy for such a long time essentially to get where I am today. Though I'm an adult now and should stop blaming history and start deciding for myself. Life is short and I should learn to let go of old restrictive ways.

indescribable

icon: nefadol

music: Erase - Hyolyn x JooYoung - feat. Iron

These past 2 weeks have partly been learning to let go of control and to purposely relax in practice. I could say it's done me good in ways of keeping my mind quiet or stopping it from over thinking. 

To accept and to let things be. 

I've been particularly rich in social interactions (to my introverted standards) as of late too; Reconnecting with old friends, engaging with someone new and known, eating out with coworkers on a weekend, long phone calls with a dear friend, etc. I allowed myself to live in the moment and be present. 

I think my mind has been all over the place with what's happening to the world in recent times. I want to be aware but I do admit that the news often gives me a sense of doom. The global economic climate is not getting any better and so because of this, I often gloss over what's happening with the present and hyperfixate about tomorrow. There is no apparent change to how I am in person but my mind is just in a constant whirl that I have to manually, consciously have to stop and to make myself aware of the now. 

 

I've had enough and told myself to slow down. It's hard to feel hopeful of what's to come and I guess it's alright to be wary but it shouldn't sully the happiness and pleasures of today is what I'm trying to convince myself.